I Wrote a Rap🎙️: Sunset in the Shadows

Psst… if you’re a paid subscriber, you can skip to the end for a video of me performing the rap.

I’m trying to explain

The pain

It’s driving me insane

Like I’m stuck in the rain

Like I’m stuck in shame

Like I’m Kurt Cobain

And I’m trying to refrain

From shootin’ out my brain

You know what I’m sayin’?

---

This feeling of being completely alone

Without a home

Like a dog searching for a bone

I don’t want to pick up my phone

Just to hear the dial tone.

---

And I must confess

I’m a complete hot mess

This thing on my chest

Feels like a press

I’m always trying to impress

I don’t feel I’m blessed

In this endless game of chess

Where every move feels like a guess.

Y’all see me but you don’t really see me

You don’t really know me

And you’re trying to show me

But it all feels showy

And I know that I’ve showed 

Maybe more than I should 

But I don’t feel good

After all I’ve withstood

And I thought that I would

But I just feel misunderstood.

---

So what’s been the point?

What’s all this been for?

What’s behind the door?

I’m knees to the floor

Life feels like a chore

I don’t want to do anymore

I’m searching for the shore

But the waves just crash and roar.

Trapped in a cyclone I can’t ignore

My dreams take flight, but they don’t soar.

---

And sometimes I’m up 

and sometimes I’m down

And I won’t come around

If you tell me to turn 

My frown upside down

Take me out on the town

Or act like a clown.

Maybe I should be in the lost and found.

---

And some days I’m on it 

Like a car bonnet

My life feels iconic

My thoughts supersonic

Like a star, astronomic

My spirit bionic

My dreams philharmonic

See, I’m never platonic.

They say no man is an island

But what about a girl

Living in Thailand

Stuck on Koh Phangan

This wasn’t the plan

I feel like a ceiling fan

Going in circles, just spinning and spinning

My motor’s thinning

Feels like the end’s beginning.

Like my light is dimming

Like I’m always sinning.

Like I’m drowning and never swimming.

---

I screamed at my boy

I lost it completely

His scared little face 

Took me to a place

At the bottom of the base

And I just wanted to chase

Myself into outer space.

Where guilt’s embrace 

Would vanish without a trace

In that silent, starry place.

And maybe there I’d find grace

Drifting in that celestial lace

Far from life’s relentless pace.

---

I thought I got out of the rat race

I thought I’d found a new pace

But I have to face

That I can’t just replace

Myself into a different location

Or find a new vocation

Or take a vacation

And expect a transformation.

It’s not about the destination

It’s about inner reallocation

Of thoughts and feelings, a new foundation

Lay it in paradise, but become your own relations.

Seek more than just consolation

Instead, inside, a quiet renovation.

---

But I don’t have any tools

I feel like a fool 

Like I need to go back to school

And learn a new skill

That ChatGPT won’t kill

Like how to hold a drill

Then I’d be king of the hill

But I don’t have the will

I don’t feel the thrill or the fill

That I do when it’s just me and my quill.

With ink, my thoughts spill

More potent than any pill

In letters, my spirit distilled.

I write what I can’t speak

Each word a peek

Into the truth I seek.

At least on paper, I don’t feel meek.

But I hate the critique

Of my technique

See, I know I’m unique

But when will I peak?

Is that meant to be a mystique?

Or am I condemned to spend the rest of my life feeling weak?