Thank you for sharing this story of multiple kinds of grief. I appreciate you writing and sharing it. Last year my daughter moved to another continent (9 time zones away) to build a life there. I'm happy for the opportunities she'll have, glad she will not be living in a country that has become so hostile to women, but I know there are so many things we are not going to have together. I do not know your mother and won't pretend to know how she felt, but if you were my daughter I would want you to know that you having years of a rich, good life would matter more to me than your presence at my death. Maybe I'll feel differently when I'm at the end, but I want my daughter to have the life she's making for herself. My grief is that she can't have the same quality of life here, where I raised her, close to me.
Thank you for sharing that with me, Rita. I guess she probably would have shared that sentiment. It's just my own guilt and not just guilt but sadness around how little time I got to spend with her over the last 15 years and now knowing I'll never get that time back. But it is comforting to know she always supported my decisions.
This really hit home for me. When I was living in Canada, I always had this underlying fear that I would wake up one morning to bad news from home in Germany, where the day was already eight hours ahead. I remember feeling so disconnected, knowing I was always waking up to a world already in motion without me. And one morning, that fear became a reality—my mom had a stroke.
Luckily, she recovered, but it was still that overwhelming feeling of being too far away when the worst happens. It made me realize just how real and tangible that sense of distance can be, even when you’re surrounded by new experiences.
Thank you for putting this into words. It’s a reminder of how much we carry with us, even when we think we’ve let go.
Oh yes it's the worst when your fears become reality. I'm relieved to hear your mom recovered. It's a wake up call for everyone to see just how fragile we really are, and just how precious life is.
Yes absolutely! And it was partially one of the reasons I moved back home. I now feel confident enough to move abroad again but I think I needed this time close to my mom.
My heart goes out to you. I have friends here in Spain who decided not to move abroad until their parents had died. My friends are in their 50s and 60s. But I’m too young to postpone a dream like living abroad—I’m in my 40s and have had this dream for 20+ years.
Thank you for your brutal honesty. Sending my love to you.
So beautiful and so true, Kaila. There is so much encouraging conversation around choosing ourselves and our dreams that we forget to mention the things we actually give up. Everything is a choice: by choosing one thing, you're letting go of another. Most of my friends live far from their families, and I hardly know of anyone whom this isn't weighing heavy on. I know several people who missed loved ones' deaths because they lived far away. It has crossed my mind several times that one day that might be me. The lives we build for ourselves come with different kinds of sacrifices, and this is one rarely discussed, so thanks for doing that in such a moving way.
It's a difficult topic, Sascha, but one that we can cope with so much better if we discuss it and think about it openly, and get really clear on our wishes and needs around our own and our loved ones deaths.
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly, Kaila. I’m so sorry for your loss and can begin to imagine the pain of not being there—I lost my Dad to COVID, so even though he was in a hospital just down the road, I wasn’t allowed to see him in his final weeks. It sounds like your mum was so proud of the brave and adventurous life you’d built. I think when we’re fortunate enough to have such loving and supportive parents, the biggest gift we can give them is our happiness. Sending love ❤️
Hi Kaila, reading your essay, my tears were rolling down, my heart was racing with grief and guilt. Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I thought no one could understand me. Gosh i missed my mom everyday for the past six years. Rushing through four hours flight then two hours car ride, i was 10 min late to say goodbye. It is hard to forgive myself. Thank you for sharing your feeling with us.
Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that YP. It's such a hard emotion to process to know you'll never get that chance again either. Know that you're not alone. And as everyone keeps telling me, she knew you were doing your best. ❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss, Kaila. This is my biggest fear of living abroad. I can't even imagine how it must feel to lose her while being away and not having support.
I definitely feel the absences through daily things. Sometimes I just wish I could drop by my family's house for a coffee or something simple. The grief of those moments is much bigger than the moment itself.
Yes to all. By the time we moved to MX my parents were both dead, early deaths for both of them. As the middle of 6 kids, I felt pretty youngish and thought same of my sibs. We were in the middle of immigration hell when my younger sister got sick--they did not know what she had. Immigration had my passport and it was Christmas time--immigration closes for 3 weeks. They put her on an intubator. She was in a coma. My older sister flew in from CA, my oldest bro was there from Chicago. My best friend sat with her daily, in my place, and told me she was 'wearing the death mask.' I was horrified, but could not cross borders. No papers. It was the weirdest thing, Kaila, the most helpless thing that I felt. I am so so sorry for the heartache you have gone through. I do understand. Two plus weeks later she pulled out of it, just after early Jan. She'd contracted a weird virus (pre Legionnaires disease, definitely pre Covid) and the Arizona CDC type facility where all odd diseases back then were ID'd, took months to, eventually figure what she had. But she pulled out of it. I think part of it was the supreme vigilance of my best friend, Sherry, who sat with her day and night. You are so right-as when we first chase our dreams, we do not think of the bad things that may happen. I am so sorry for your loss.
Wow Jeanine, what a story. What an incredible act of your best friend. That's true friendship, and a truly good human being. I can only Imagine how horrible that was for you knowing that you couldn't get there. Thank god she pulled through. ♥️♥️
This is why I never moved abroad. My dad was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was 18 and he lived for 17 more years. He went through four brain surgeries and was constantly on chemo and radiation, but I wouldn’t trade that time with him for anything. Cooking him his favorite foods, helping in the garage with his projects, seeing him with my babies, helping stay positive and encouraging when he was declining. These are all moments I wouldn’t trade for the most incredible beaches and international experiences.
I live one state away from my sons or about two thousand miles and I very much grieve every day the time I don’t spend with them and vice versa. I’m turning 70 this year and even as I love where I live, I know I have to be closer to them. I can’t consider actually leaving the country although, certainly, my life might be better as a result but, I’d be too far away. Freedom is an inside job, it seems.
I was in my 50s when I moved from Canada to Europe. And I was fortunate that my mother sat me down and said go live your life. Be happy don’t worry about us.
I made a commitment to them and myself to go back and visit twice a year and I honoured that.
Still as their health diminished it was hard. I knew my mother wasn’t doing well. I went to see her and spend time with her before she passed. I knew she didn’t want me there when she died.
My brother was able to contact me and I was able to fly home this time to spend last two days of my father‘s life with him. While he was in and out of it, I know that meant a lot to him.
So I have no regrets but that doesn’t make it any easier. Great essay Kailia.
That was a really special gift your mom gave you by doing that, Roberta. My mom did the same. She was so supportive of me living overseas. I wish I had been able to go visit her twice a year. That would have made such a difference. But money and time prevented it for me. I'm so glad you were able to make that work and be able to say you have no regrets.
I'm so sorry you could not be with your mum when she died. I know this is a risk I signed up for when I moved abroad twenty years ago. But I won't really know until I experience it.
That's just it, Lisa. And it may not be like that. Life changes so quickly and we never know what's going to happen. But it's best to have our eyes wide open to all eventualities and consider what you'll wish you'd done, looking back, after the fact.
I remember when moving overseas having the conversation about “if you get a phone call, you can’t get home fast enough”. It’s a harsh reality of expat life, but one that isn’t always mentioned. I’m glad I still went, and I’m just as glad that I moved back in time for my dad’s final illness.
Well, in some cases that's true (as with my mom), in others, you get a bit more time. My dad lived for 2 years after that first phone call, and I got many more months with him. It's the unpredictability of it all that's scary. But then, that's life, isn't it? Full of unknowns and tough decisions.
"Because I didn’t just lose my mom — I lost the web around her. The community that used to hold us both." So True...I am only starting to Trump and writers about and come to terms with this distance thing...
Kaila, you put words to the ache of living abroad. How are we supposed to “live our one precious life” building something elsewhere when it also means giving up what we equally value and cherish: proximity to loved ones? I have no answers, only questions.
I’m sorry you couldn’t be there with your mom when she passed in the ways you wanted to be. I’m deeply sorry and also grateful you decided to share this with us. I think about it all the time and reading it helps me face the inevitable. Thank you
Thank you Rachel. It brings me so much fulfillment to know that this story is helping others — even though I know it's not an easy read or something enjoyable to think about. But we must, and the more we talk about and think about death — and plan for its eventuality — the better off we'll be.
I didn't expect to be so moved. I thought this would be about the expenses of setting up a home, not having your dad around to fix your car and having to go to a "professional", about needed to pay 10x what anyone else would to be a bridesmaid...
But, I was moved, so much so. I can't imagine the strength it took to write this. Calling my mum right now.
Thank you for your appreciation and acknowledgement of the difficulty of the topic, Nadine. It is hard to write about, but I find it also to be healing not only to put into words but to share those words with others. And if this post inspired you to call your mom, then I'll chalk that up to a success. 🥰
Thank you for sharing this story of multiple kinds of grief. I appreciate you writing and sharing it. Last year my daughter moved to another continent (9 time zones away) to build a life there. I'm happy for the opportunities she'll have, glad she will not be living in a country that has become so hostile to women, but I know there are so many things we are not going to have together. I do not know your mother and won't pretend to know how she felt, but if you were my daughter I would want you to know that you having years of a rich, good life would matter more to me than your presence at my death. Maybe I'll feel differently when I'm at the end, but I want my daughter to have the life she's making for herself. My grief is that she can't have the same quality of life here, where I raised her, close to me.
Thank you for sharing that with me, Rita. I guess she probably would have shared that sentiment. It's just my own guilt and not just guilt but sadness around how little time I got to spend with her over the last 15 years and now knowing I'll never get that time back. But it is comforting to know she always supported my decisions.
This really hit home for me. When I was living in Canada, I always had this underlying fear that I would wake up one morning to bad news from home in Germany, where the day was already eight hours ahead. I remember feeling so disconnected, knowing I was always waking up to a world already in motion without me. And one morning, that fear became a reality—my mom had a stroke.
Luckily, she recovered, but it was still that overwhelming feeling of being too far away when the worst happens. It made me realize just how real and tangible that sense of distance can be, even when you’re surrounded by new experiences.
Thank you for putting this into words. It’s a reminder of how much we carry with us, even when we think we’ve let go.
Oh yes it's the worst when your fears become reality. I'm relieved to hear your mom recovered. It's a wake up call for everyone to see just how fragile we really are, and just how precious life is.
Yes absolutely! And it was partially one of the reasons I moved back home. I now feel confident enough to move abroad again but I think I needed this time close to my mom.
That's so great, good for you.
Kaila—
My heart goes out to you. I have friends here in Spain who decided not to move abroad until their parents had died. My friends are in their 50s and 60s. But I’m too young to postpone a dream like living abroad—I’m in my 40s and have had this dream for 20+ years.
Thank you for your brutal honesty. Sending my love to you.
It's all I have left at this point! It's a tough decision, but one that we all have to make for ourselves, hopefully eyes wide open now.
So beautiful and so true, Kaila. There is so much encouraging conversation around choosing ourselves and our dreams that we forget to mention the things we actually give up. Everything is a choice: by choosing one thing, you're letting go of another. Most of my friends live far from their families, and I hardly know of anyone whom this isn't weighing heavy on. I know several people who missed loved ones' deaths because they lived far away. It has crossed my mind several times that one day that might be me. The lives we build for ourselves come with different kinds of sacrifices, and this is one rarely discussed, so thanks for doing that in such a moving way.
It's a difficult topic, Sascha, but one that we can cope with so much better if we discuss it and think about it openly, and get really clear on our wishes and needs around our own and our loved ones deaths.
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly, Kaila. I’m so sorry for your loss and can begin to imagine the pain of not being there—I lost my Dad to COVID, so even though he was in a hospital just down the road, I wasn’t allowed to see him in his final weeks. It sounds like your mum was so proud of the brave and adventurous life you’d built. I think when we’re fortunate enough to have such loving and supportive parents, the biggest gift we can give them is our happiness. Sending love ❤️
What a beautiful sentiment, Lucia. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, also. My deepest condolences. ❤️❤️
Hi Kaila, reading your essay, my tears were rolling down, my heart was racing with grief and guilt. Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I thought no one could understand me. Gosh i missed my mom everyday for the past six years. Rushing through four hours flight then two hours car ride, i was 10 min late to say goodbye. It is hard to forgive myself. Thank you for sharing your feeling with us.
Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that YP. It's such a hard emotion to process to know you'll never get that chance again either. Know that you're not alone. And as everyone keeps telling me, she knew you were doing your best. ❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss, Kaila. This is my biggest fear of living abroad. I can't even imagine how it must feel to lose her while being away and not having support.
I definitely feel the absences through daily things. Sometimes I just wish I could drop by my family's house for a coffee or something simple. The grief of those moments is much bigger than the moment itself.
Oh absolutely. There is plenty of grief living abroad even without anyone dying. This is such an important point, Kaitlyn.
Yes to all. By the time we moved to MX my parents were both dead, early deaths for both of them. As the middle of 6 kids, I felt pretty youngish and thought same of my sibs. We were in the middle of immigration hell when my younger sister got sick--they did not know what she had. Immigration had my passport and it was Christmas time--immigration closes for 3 weeks. They put her on an intubator. She was in a coma. My older sister flew in from CA, my oldest bro was there from Chicago. My best friend sat with her daily, in my place, and told me she was 'wearing the death mask.' I was horrified, but could not cross borders. No papers. It was the weirdest thing, Kaila, the most helpless thing that I felt. I am so so sorry for the heartache you have gone through. I do understand. Two plus weeks later she pulled out of it, just after early Jan. She'd contracted a weird virus (pre Legionnaires disease, definitely pre Covid) and the Arizona CDC type facility where all odd diseases back then were ID'd, took months to, eventually figure what she had. But she pulled out of it. I think part of it was the supreme vigilance of my best friend, Sherry, who sat with her day and night. You are so right-as when we first chase our dreams, we do not think of the bad things that may happen. I am so sorry for your loss.
Wow Jeanine, what a story. What an incredible act of your best friend. That's true friendship, and a truly good human being. I can only Imagine how horrible that was for you knowing that you couldn't get there. Thank god she pulled through. ♥️♥️
Yes, it was so horrible, knowing I had no passport and could not travel. But Sherry- she was powerful (may she RIP) and I think she did the number.
This is why I never moved abroad. My dad was diagnosed with brain cancer when I was 18 and he lived for 17 more years. He went through four brain surgeries and was constantly on chemo and radiation, but I wouldn’t trade that time with him for anything. Cooking him his favorite foods, helping in the garage with his projects, seeing him with my babies, helping stay positive and encouraging when he was declining. These are all moments I wouldn’t trade for the most incredible beaches and international experiences.
Yeah. I would do things very differently if I could do it over. Good for you for making sure you get those memories. ♥️
Thank you, but it’s never enough time. I would do many things differently too if I could do it over.
Agreed ❤️
I live one state away from my sons or about two thousand miles and I very much grieve every day the time I don’t spend with them and vice versa. I’m turning 70 this year and even as I love where I live, I know I have to be closer to them. I can’t consider actually leaving the country although, certainly, my life might be better as a result but, I’d be too far away. Freedom is an inside job, it seems.
What a statement. Yes, sometimes it really is, Amy. 🥰 Keep them close.
I was in my 50s when I moved from Canada to Europe. And I was fortunate that my mother sat me down and said go live your life. Be happy don’t worry about us.
I made a commitment to them and myself to go back and visit twice a year and I honoured that.
Still as their health diminished it was hard. I knew my mother wasn’t doing well. I went to see her and spend time with her before she passed. I knew she didn’t want me there when she died.
My brother was able to contact me and I was able to fly home this time to spend last two days of my father‘s life with him. While he was in and out of it, I know that meant a lot to him.
So I have no regrets but that doesn’t make it any easier. Great essay Kailia.
That was a really special gift your mom gave you by doing that, Roberta. My mom did the same. She was so supportive of me living overseas. I wish I had been able to go visit her twice a year. That would have made such a difference. But money and time prevented it for me. I'm so glad you were able to make that work and be able to say you have no regrets.
I'm so sorry you could not be with your mum when she died. I know this is a risk I signed up for when I moved abroad twenty years ago. But I won't really know until I experience it.
That's just it, Lisa. And it may not be like that. Life changes so quickly and we never know what's going to happen. But it's best to have our eyes wide open to all eventualities and consider what you'll wish you'd done, looking back, after the fact.
I remember when moving overseas having the conversation about “if you get a phone call, you can’t get home fast enough”. It’s a harsh reality of expat life, but one that isn’t always mentioned. I’m glad I still went, and I’m just as glad that I moved back in time for my dad’s final illness.
Well, in some cases that's true (as with my mom), in others, you get a bit more time. My dad lived for 2 years after that first phone call, and I got many more months with him. It's the unpredictability of it all that's scary. But then, that's life, isn't it? Full of unknowns and tough decisions.
"Because I didn’t just lose my mom — I lost the web around her. The community that used to hold us both." So True...I am only starting to Trump and writers about and come to terms with this distance thing...
It's a big one, Jeff!
Kaila, you put words to the ache of living abroad. How are we supposed to “live our one precious life” building something elsewhere when it also means giving up what we equally value and cherish: proximity to loved ones? I have no answers, only questions.
I’m sorry you couldn’t be there with your mom when she passed in the ways you wanted to be. I’m deeply sorry and also grateful you decided to share this with us. I think about it all the time and reading it helps me face the inevitable. Thank you
Thank you Rachel. It brings me so much fulfillment to know that this story is helping others — even though I know it's not an easy read or something enjoyable to think about. But we must, and the more we talk about and think about death — and plan for its eventuality — the better off we'll be.
I didn't expect to be so moved. I thought this would be about the expenses of setting up a home, not having your dad around to fix your car and having to go to a "professional", about needed to pay 10x what anyone else would to be a bridesmaid...
But, I was moved, so much so. I can't imagine the strength it took to write this. Calling my mum right now.
Thank you for your appreciation and acknowledgement of the difficulty of the topic, Nadine. It is hard to write about, but I find it also to be healing not only to put into words but to share those words with others. And if this post inspired you to call your mom, then I'll chalk that up to a success. 🥰
I hope it is also healing to know you're helping many of us with this sharing. Wishing you a calm evening and weekend, Kaila!
It does. Especially on Mother's Day. 💔♥️