I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about feeling too young. Luckily my dad's in good health, but my mom has Alzheimer's and while she's still physically here, I feel like I already lost her for a few years ago. I turn 40 this fall. Sending you lots of strength. Thanks for sharing your story. xxx
Oh Alexis love, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. Watching them lose their cognitive ability must be so hard, it's one thing I was really scared of that I guess I managed to avoid. My heart goes out to you ❤️
It doesn't matter how old you are--you feel orphaned when you have lost both parents. You lose you last anchor and have to learn to navigate through life by yourself. It's a painful kind of loneliness. You have all my sympathy. I lost my partner a week before you lost your mother, so I am still overwhelmed and numb. Through Substack, we can support one another. Sending love and peace.
This is such a gut wrenching post. Honestly, you have just survived the worst life can deal us, and you’re still standing. Your mom raised an indomitable woman.
Kaila, this is such a beautiful piece of writing. I can feel your pain thru your words. It reminds me so much of the moments I lost my parents and the feeling of becoming an orphan. At least I had siblings I could share with, but living in a different country makes it so much more difficult. It’s one of the hardest moments in a life of an expat.
Hope to see you soon to give you a big hug in person ❤️
I know exactly how you feel and felt the same way. The way you described the feeling alone is exactly how I felt when my dad died. My mom is still here but I think about when she is gone and how I will be alone. The two people who poured everything into me are gone. That security is gone. The unconditional love that only a parent can give is gone. But I promise you, death is just a thin veil between our world and theirs. I remember crying out to God and saying what will I do without my parents and I heard Him say, they will be even closer. Nothing can break this bond. They are always with you. I miss my dad everyday. When I think about him my chest gets so tight and I can hardly breathe. He lasted long enough to see his only grandchild my daughter graduate. He died 3 weeks later. Now my daughter has her own child, a little boy. He reminds us so much of my dad especially when he smiles. If my dad could be reincarnated he would do it this way. He even holds his hands the same way my dad did. Life goes on. Your mom is out of pain and she knew how much you loved her. She will always be close to you and your son. It will take time. I pray your memories comfort you. Give yourself lots of time to heal. Big hugs.
My heart and prayers are with you - I am so very sorry for your huge, huge loss. Please give yourself huge grace each day as you and your family navigate this tough season.
Sending you a lot of love. 💕 https://substack.com/@greystrega has been a favorite of mine and seems to have a great depth of understanding. She might be a suitable option to share your tarot experience with…I believe she would be able to help in a gracious and supportive manner.
It is so hard, losing a parent, let alone when you are on the other side of the world. It is clear from your writings that you and your Mum were close, and communicated regularly. Your bond was strong. Grief is not linear, so be kind to yourself, know that it will come in waves, but hold on to the great memories you have of your mother at her best. Much love x
I am living my future through your words. How many close calls already. Should I go, should I wait? is the most tormenting mantra. And this is what happens when we make huge life choices that involve huge distance. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you. I love you. Remember not to isolate yourself and to breathe out. xo
It's soooo hard to know. I remember when we were in Mexico with Dad when he was dying, him asking me when we were leaving (we'd been there for a month at that point). I told him I didn't know. Then he blurted out, "Well don't just sit around here waiting for me to die." Which was hard to hear but he was right. We ended up leaving and he lived another year or so. I flew back about a month before he died and got to spend that time with him, for which I was grateful.
Thank you for reading, Danni. I send you love right back!
I find peace in knowing that I love them as much as I can with the situation we have. Long phone calls, daily phone calls and texts, occasional thoughtful gifts, yearly trips, letters and notes, constant I love yous and I am gratefuls. Maybe my attention never feels like enough bc I am the one who decided to move away and there is guilt there. But this is the work I need to do. Let go and trust that the love I have to offer is enough. And isn't this the root of the problem - do we ever feel like enough for ourselves? Maybe how much we can love ourselves determines how much love remains when we experience loss. Maybe it is also the same with how we mother our own children, especially as they grow (and we feel like we are losing something, including time to love them better - do better) Does this make sense? Thank you for this. 💕💕💕
Danni, you're absolutely right - we need to focus on our love being enough. That really hit me and got me thinking. Thank you. I'll meditate on that today.
I'm so sorry about your mum, Kaila, and what a powerful piece this is. It wasn't just the emotion - all that nitty gritty logistical stuff with flights and the chaos that came with it really added to the piece, and I'm not sure I can explain why.
This is something I'm grappling with now. I'm in Austria, my sister's in the UK and my parents are in the US, not getting any younger and my mother (77) seems to have dementia, not to mention poor health in general (my father's 72, in decent health). My sister and I have talked about this endlessly but have no solution or plan of action. I think we're in denial, but complicating matters is that neither of us wants to be in the US and are reluctant to even visit. My parents came to Vienna this past Christmas, my sister joined us, and we agreed that this might be their last trip abroad. It really took it out of my mother and she was a physical wreck while here.
Anyway, don't mean to ramble, just thinking out loud.
Hey Daniel, thank you for your kind words. I'm glad the post touched you in some way.
I wish that I could give you some words of wisdom but unfortunately there is no right answer. Particularly with the case of what's happening with the US right now. Do you think they'd be open to making a permanent move if things get worse?
I'm sending you love and strength, and please feel free to message me to talk it out any time. It's so hard ❤️
It's such an unpleasant situation in the US and to make matters even more complicated, things are...tense with my parents (politically speaking). It's an all too typical story these days, sadly, politics driving families apart. Let's just say, to keep it diplomatic, that they're fine with staying in the US and there's no way in hell I'd ever move back. I last lived there in 2002.
I just try to do my own thing and not think about it/them, it's my only way of staying sane, as selfish as that may sound.
Ahhh yes that is such a difficult situation. I'm sure you're not the only one facing this. I wonder if you might be able to find others — on Substack or Reddit or otherwise — who are and connect w them. Might be helpful. I'm so sorry, what's happening in the US is beyond words. ❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about feeling too young. Luckily my dad's in good health, but my mom has Alzheimer's and while she's still physically here, I feel like I already lost her for a few years ago. I turn 40 this fall. Sending you lots of strength. Thanks for sharing your story. xxx
Oh Alexis love, I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. Watching them lose their cognitive ability must be so hard, it's one thing I was really scared of that I guess I managed to avoid. My heart goes out to you ❤️
It doesn't matter how old you are--you feel orphaned when you have lost both parents. You lose you last anchor and have to learn to navigate through life by yourself. It's a painful kind of loneliness. You have all my sympathy. I lost my partner a week before you lost your mother, so I am still overwhelmed and numb. Through Substack, we can support one another. Sending love and peace.
My condolences on your loss, Joyce. I'm glad that you, like me, are finding peace and support in the Substack community.
This is such a gut wrenching post. Honestly, you have just survived the worst life can deal us, and you’re still standing. Your mom raised an indomitable woman.
Thank you, Elizabeth. I sure do hope this is the worst of it!
You get a one year free pass to fall apart. Longer, if needed. 💚
Kaila, this is such a beautiful piece of writing. I can feel your pain thru your words. It reminds me so much of the moments I lost my parents and the feeling of becoming an orphan. At least I had siblings I could share with, but living in a different country makes it so much more difficult. It’s one of the hardest moments in a life of an expat.
Hope to see you soon to give you a big hug in person ❤️
Thank you Bhakta. It really helps to feel seen and understood. Thanks for the solidarity. I look forward to that hug.❤️
I know exactly how you feel and felt the same way. The way you described the feeling alone is exactly how I felt when my dad died. My mom is still here but I think about when she is gone and how I will be alone. The two people who poured everything into me are gone. That security is gone. The unconditional love that only a parent can give is gone. But I promise you, death is just a thin veil between our world and theirs. I remember crying out to God and saying what will I do without my parents and I heard Him say, they will be even closer. Nothing can break this bond. They are always with you. I miss my dad everyday. When I think about him my chest gets so tight and I can hardly breathe. He lasted long enough to see his only grandchild my daughter graduate. He died 3 weeks later. Now my daughter has her own child, a little boy. He reminds us so much of my dad especially when he smiles. If my dad could be reincarnated he would do it this way. He even holds his hands the same way my dad did. Life goes on. Your mom is out of pain and she knew how much you loved her. She will always be close to you and your son. It will take time. I pray your memories comfort you. Give yourself lots of time to heal. Big hugs.
Yes I've heard a lot about this thing veil. Fascinating.
That's amazing that your dad was able to hang on long enough to see your daughter graduate. My condolences. ❤️✨
Thank you!
*Thin veil
My heart and prayers are with you - I am so very sorry for your huge, huge loss. Please give yourself huge grace each day as you and your family navigate this tough season.
Thank you Laurie, I will ❤️
Your mom is looking down on you and so proud of the woman you’ve become- sorry for your loss-
Thank you so much Rose
Sending you a lot of love. 💕 https://substack.com/@greystrega has been a favorite of mine and seems to have a great depth of understanding. She might be a suitable option to share your tarot experience with…I believe she would be able to help in a gracious and supportive manner.
Thanks for the recommendation, Auburn. ❤️
It is so hard, losing a parent, let alone when you are on the other side of the world. It is clear from your writings that you and your Mum were close, and communicated regularly. Your bond was strong. Grief is not linear, so be kind to yourself, know that it will come in waves, but hold on to the great memories you have of your mother at her best. Much love x
Thank you Caroline. It is very true that it's not a linear process. I'm up and down like a yo-yo! Appreciate your kind words and support 🥰
I am living my future through your words. How many close calls already. Should I go, should I wait? is the most tormenting mantra. And this is what happens when we make huge life choices that involve huge distance. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you. I love you. Remember not to isolate yourself and to breathe out. xo
It's soooo hard to know. I remember when we were in Mexico with Dad when he was dying, him asking me when we were leaving (we'd been there for a month at that point). I told him I didn't know. Then he blurted out, "Well don't just sit around here waiting for me to die." Which was hard to hear but he was right. We ended up leaving and he lived another year or so. I flew back about a month before he died and got to spend that time with him, for which I was grateful.
Thank you for reading, Danni. I send you love right back!
I find peace in knowing that I love them as much as I can with the situation we have. Long phone calls, daily phone calls and texts, occasional thoughtful gifts, yearly trips, letters and notes, constant I love yous and I am gratefuls. Maybe my attention never feels like enough bc I am the one who decided to move away and there is guilt there. But this is the work I need to do. Let go and trust that the love I have to offer is enough. And isn't this the root of the problem - do we ever feel like enough for ourselves? Maybe how much we can love ourselves determines how much love remains when we experience loss. Maybe it is also the same with how we mother our own children, especially as they grow (and we feel like we are losing something, including time to love them better - do better) Does this make sense? Thank you for this. 💕💕💕
Danni, you're absolutely right - we need to focus on our love being enough. That really hit me and got me thinking. Thank you. I'll meditate on that today.
I'm so sorry about your mum, Kaila, and what a powerful piece this is. It wasn't just the emotion - all that nitty gritty logistical stuff with flights and the chaos that came with it really added to the piece, and I'm not sure I can explain why.
This is something I'm grappling with now. I'm in Austria, my sister's in the UK and my parents are in the US, not getting any younger and my mother (77) seems to have dementia, not to mention poor health in general (my father's 72, in decent health). My sister and I have talked about this endlessly but have no solution or plan of action. I think we're in denial, but complicating matters is that neither of us wants to be in the US and are reluctant to even visit. My parents came to Vienna this past Christmas, my sister joined us, and we agreed that this might be their last trip abroad. It really took it out of my mother and she was a physical wreck while here.
Anyway, don't mean to ramble, just thinking out loud.
Stay strong.
Hey Daniel, thank you for your kind words. I'm glad the post touched you in some way.
I wish that I could give you some words of wisdom but unfortunately there is no right answer. Particularly with the case of what's happening with the US right now. Do you think they'd be open to making a permanent move if things get worse?
I'm sending you love and strength, and please feel free to message me to talk it out any time. It's so hard ❤️
Thank you Kaila, you're so kind ☺️
It's such an unpleasant situation in the US and to make matters even more complicated, things are...tense with my parents (politically speaking). It's an all too typical story these days, sadly, politics driving families apart. Let's just say, to keep it diplomatic, that they're fine with staying in the US and there's no way in hell I'd ever move back. I last lived there in 2002.
I just try to do my own thing and not think about it/them, it's my only way of staying sane, as selfish as that may sound.
Ahhh yes that is such a difficult situation. I'm sure you're not the only one facing this. I wonder if you might be able to find others — on Substack or Reddit or otherwise — who are and connect w them. Might be helpful. I'm so sorry, what's happening in the US is beyond words. ❤️